Just a Thought

Do you come across a moment in life's long journey that you simply question if this reality is right for you? Not that you're lost or becoming a damsel in distress. You're simply just wondering if what you have right now is really the most suitable fit for you, everyone and everything that surrounds you. When I was 6, people would ask me: "what would you like to become when you grow up." At the time the coolest thing I can come up with was those sophisticated people I saw on the television. My answers were simple, a nurse, a doctor, a lawyer, and that super model who'd walked down the red carpet. It was not that complicated as a child to determine what you like or don't like. It was a simple matter of the heart wants what the heart wants. Again at the age of 12 when I was asked the same question, I would say "becoming a doctor is sad because I have to see people die." "Super models get to wear all those nice clothes but the heels are way too high" "Lawyers are boring bunch of people but I think they're pretty rich." Then I would come up with careers that I'm familiar with, such as becoming a teacher, a convenient store owner, maybe even my school bus driver because she was extremely nice. These life choices at the time was awfully simple compared to now. So I began to ask myself when did I really made my pick and how did it all happen that I'm finding myself in this very moment. I started having a job at a very young age. It wasn't until a few years back that I realized back then was a job and not a career and I shouldn't had let it got out of control for this long. For a family of five I had a lot of responsibilities. I think at the age of 12 I realized my role was not simply just the oldest daughter for my parents, I played an important role, I was the key to many locks. Due to the language barrier my parents experienced in this foreign land, I had to open many doors so our survival wouldn't be a problem. I guess along that way I forgot about my dreams and passions, I picked up these jobs and treated them like careers. I was the banker of our family, the accountant, my own mother for teacher's meeting, and provided for my family when I was just 14. I didn't know at the time if I was making a difference, I just knew it was what had to be done. Thinking back to those days I wished I had just taught them English. The cost of a simple action was I never got to learn how to play the piano, I was too occupied with work rather than practicing my flute, and drawing classes were just another luxury item rather than a good-to-have skill. Soon school was just another luxury item, I couldn't spare another moment being part of something truly would of made a difference for all of us, my life was just too occupied with dollar signs. Then I was too far along that path before I can walk away from it. Before I realized, life has already marked it's path for me, it was too late to turn around and rewrite history. After stepping out from Highschool, I made a choice between continuing making dollar signs for my family or start investing my future into an educational institution. Nothing at the time in the world mattered other than giving my parents the security of being under a roof that truly belongs to them. And nothing mattered more to me than getting away from that reality. I had a good career and I didn't built it on a diploma or walking through a back-door. I worked hard dedicating my time to become someone that's irreplaceable. Until one day I was broken, broken like I had never experienced it before. I had a tough childhood but this was something different. I hit a dead end in all aspects of my life. My family had a roof to live under but it was a total mess. My career was climbing mountains but I was truly miserable. My love was leaving and I had no choice but to wish him well. It seemed like the choices I made in the past all came crushing down, a voice was telling me "it's all wrong." I...was lost. Not lost as if I couldn't find the path ahead, that was clear as crystal. Lost, I didn't have the strength to continue ahead, hoping there's another route. Someone wise once said "people are not only looking for miracles. They're looking for hope, and they only get that from people who have struggled and make the choice to keep going. That's strength." Am I that person? Do I hope? Soon I picked up a bucket of courage and I walked away. Some may say it's a sign of weakness, I'm weak, to walk away from everything I built when world hunger and global climate is the grand picture. Nevertheless, I was weak, but I believe one has to hope again before there's another higher dream to achieve. I had to walk away from my small world problems in order to see the larger picture in the big world. At the age of 25, I needed reasons to hope again. What do you do when a computer is simply just frozen on the exact same screen? Do you call a tech guy to fix your problem? Or just hold the restart button until it's all back to normal?  Here I am, wondering what it would of been if I made different choices back then. Wondering if right here, right now, this future I was looking forward to in the past is really small. Or is it grand enough for someone like me. I couldn't help to think if one can go back like in the movies to test all the possibilities so one wouldn't have to regret. The ultimate question comes down to one key factor in this moment of life, am I happy? Which I concluded, I am, but is everyone else and everything around me satisfied? It's a never-ending loop to walk through it all. Just a thought for today.